Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Invest in Ireland Ltd. - We want to waste your money!

Welcome to Ireland Ltd. I am BC its CEO and Dictator Leader. I would like YOU to invest in us. All we ask is for a small portion of your income, starting at 50%.* We offer a convenient direct debit scheme through your employer, ensuring you will continuously feel that you have no money.

So what do you get for such a small investment?

We offer world class health care, waiting times for operations are over 6 months, dirty hospitals, over priced drugs and overpaid consultants who don't care about you or your well being. We also guarantee that you will spend at least 90% of your stay on a comfortable hospital trolley in a hallway. Furthermore, you can top up this exciting benefit with a costly “private” insurance, enabling you and your family similar cover to what most people get at public level in other corporations.

At Ireland Ltd. we love children and we love to invest in everything else but them. Your child will enjoy overcrowded prefab classrooms with third world facilities. Due to our amazing lack of foresight and planning, your children's children will also enjoy similar conditions. Our school hours are selected to ensure your work-life balance is made as difficult as possible. In addition, we realise the importance of every child having the opportunity to go to university. That is why we are reintroducing university fees to ensure that only the wealthy families can afford to provide third level education for their children.

Worried about who will look after your investment? Fear not! We employ more staff than we need, pay them generous incomes and pensions. We also give them massive bonuses which are never linked to their performance. Our staff love spending your investment.

Ireland Ltd. is a leader in green innovation and public transport. We have developed a train network which averages 20km per hour, thus using less fuel. Our trains have less carriages which squash more people into a smaller space, saving even more fuel. We have recently cut the number of buses on our cities' streets to slash our carbon emissions even further. Are you worried about your carbon footprint? DO NOT WORRY – We promise we will always overcharge you for electricity and gas, forcing you not to use them, helping you freeze to death on your reduced income. This massive reduction in carbon footprint will also enable our management team to increase fuel usage in their numerous properties which you have helped them pay for.

So why not invest in us today and avail of our special money back guarantee.

* Terms and conditions apply.
† The value of this investment will fall but not rise.
‡ Money Back Guarantee: You are guaranteed NOT to get your money back.

Monday, April 27, 2009

An Ode to Patriotic Government

There's a small country off Europe's west.
Had an economy they thought was the best.
But politicians and bankers.
And other such w@#*ers.
Stole their money and left them depressed.

Now the scumbags who govern this nation.
Cut spending and increase taxation.
They lecture and preach.
The common man they beseech.
"Make sacrifice for our fiscal salvation."

But their words are merely pretences.
They have huge salaries, pensions and expenses.
They line their own pockets.
Would steal your eyes from their sockets.
They should hang for their treasonous offences.
By DarkPassenger

Monday, April 20, 2009

Durka Durka!

Now I know that the mere sight of Enda "de road" Kenny is enough to give anyone the sick, but have a watch of this clip. Either this man is a comic genius or the biggest clown in Irish politics......EVER! DarkPassenger would appreciate your attention on this one - we have a lot to get through!

People of Ireland - meet your next Taoiseach. Jesus wept, we are doomed!

Now, it is a widely held view that Enda de road has all the charisma of a toilet brush (and a dirty one at that). We also know that his leadership skills are less than spectacular - this can be born out by the fact that only 9 of his blue-shirted subordinates have followed him into taking a voluntary pay cut. But what this piece of youtube diarrhoea shows is that Enda de road just can't do sincerity.

Enda de road believes in a "..fairer Ireland..". Well that's fantastic Enda. It's easy to preach about fairness when you're a career politician who has made a mint out of "representing" us for years.

Enda says that Funny Gael have been right about a load of stuff. They were right about, benchmarking, scrapping the national pay deal, bank recapitalisation and every other ill that has befallen us poor pixie Irish over the last year or so. Well here's news for the king of the blueshirts - the dogs on the street have been right about the same things. It doesn't make them leadership material although they may have a more engaging style than the aforementioned master of monotone.

Enda has latched on to the fact that people are worried about their jobs. Wow - what a shrewd reader of the Irish people he is. For feck sake Enda - at least try and pretend you A) care and B) mean it. As if people actually talk to that latchico about being worried about their jobs. This John McCain "joe de plumber" style "I listen to people and stuff" politics died a death during the American presidential election. But, as usual, Enda the road will copy a tired concept and fail to deliver something even 5% effective as the original.

Speaking of tired concepts, it appears that Enda de road has been receiving communication coaching from Pat the plank Kenny. That unmistakable robotic movement, the nauseating and patronising droning, the air of an overpaid Marie Antoinette 'let them eat cake' attitude. Give us a bleedin break Enda. We don't want to hear "I told you so" "we were right" "we're great". We want to hear how you're going to fix it. Oh - and we'd like the truth. Not some mentalist plan to sell off all the semi-state companies, rape the national pension reserve and create some 1984 style supercompany Ireland Inc.

The most entertaining thing about this video was that if you stuck a balaclava on Enda de road's head you would have all the ingredients of a very convincing terrorist broadcast:
  • The cheapo wardrobes and bookshelves ("Idiot's Guide to Economics" and "101 Ways to win an election" amongst the titles.
  • The hurriedly hung paramilitary flags - is that a Starry Plough I see in the background Enda?
  • The desperate ramblings of a demented extremist.
  • Demands that contact be made and that a ransom (in the form of our ideas) be paid.
Maybe this is the future for Enda de road. He could easily motivate his Adam's Family of a front bench to abandon traditional party politics and embrace a more extreme power-grabbing tactic. It is probably the best chance he has considering his distinct lack of any form of electable characteristics. Durka Durka - the battlecry of the rebranded Funny Gael.

P.S. - Funny Gael have done a nice rip-off job on the BBC website! Another shining example of original thinking in action: http://www.finegael.ie

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Adventure up North

The recent rally cry from the Dail playground directed at us folk down South to be patriotic and stop shopping up North seems somewhat hypocritical when the Government and the retailers do nothing to reduce the cost of living on even the most basic goods. Especially, when our Northern neighbours are paying less for the same goods.

With this in mind, I bundled poor Rita and the kids into the car and off we rode towards the great divide. Luckily we had set out early avoiding the now monstrous republic cavalcade which occupies the M1 these days. I instructed each sibling to take a trolley, it was now their patriotic duty to give 2 fingers to the rip off and hypocritical Republic.

Now I must admit, I did feel guilty. I was lining the dear old Queen's pockets rather than contributing to the civil service toilet. But I had to overcome my guilt. As I pondered on this thought. I noticed some of the price differences from our resident retailers. Meat, be it Chicken , Turkey or Beef varying from 20%-50% cheaper. Milk 3 litres for our 2. Everywhere I looked I calculated similar differences. Darkly Dexter, went into a mad spin and soon the siblings and Rita had the trolley loaded with fine British produce.

Next, on to the section with which I am most familiar, the drink section. As I squeezed passed the now mass of Southern folk, fighting over crates of Miller and cases of Penfolds. I paused, returned and instructed Rita, we may need another trolley! If your lady (or you) likes to numb themselves on Cava/Champagne, paradise awaits. For an in-house brand of vintage Cava, a saving of 40% on our similar in house brands and quality. This ain't none of that watered down p**s Lidl think we should drink! If, like the Distinguished Dexter, you like your vino red you will be greeted with savings of 20-30% a bottle. Cases bring a further 5% saving.

As the Dexter clan rode home, squashed by the volume of food stuffs and alcohol related products. We felt content, we had completed a great adventure.

Even though, Mary Harney's beauty treatments will, unfortunately, have to be cut back and the civil servant's - bring your family on government business fund will suffer greatly, don't feel guilty. Your family will eat plenty and you'll be numb drunk for a year on less than what Brian Cowen's daily make-up costs! Vote with your feet, let the Government and retailers know, you've had enough!!

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Choose RTE

For those who are unfamiliar with the fantastic book and film Trainspotting by Irvine Welsh - some prerequisites:

Choose waste. Choose overpaid executives. Choose nepotism. Choose a f#*!king big ego, Choose €12k per year to drive your car to work, Choose outdated programming formats, crap comedy, and appalling scheduling. Choose to waste the licence fee, Choose 24, Rescue Me, Brothers and Sisters - Choose to put them on when most people are in bed. Choose embarrassment - Choose Failte Towers, Katherine Lynch's Wonder Women, Celebrity Jigs 'n' Reels. Choose humiliation, Choose broadcasting a grovelling apology after caving in to political pressure. Choose to spend the licence fee AND advertising revenue, Choose to have your cake and eat it. Choose jobs for the boys - Choose Lyric FM. Choose broadcasting cringeworthy calls on a daily basis - Choose "yeah..yeah..yeah..yeah.." Choose "Ah jaysus Joe" Choose Liveline. Choose Duncan Stewart droning on ad nauseum about unproven and expensive "energy saving" technology. Choose "bong, bong, bong, bong, bong" at 6pm every day. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing sprit-crushing game shows. Choose "Mass on Sunday". Choose the multi-lingual TV licence inspector. Choose to pay pompous old farts salaries which make even TDs envious. Choose George "I told you so and I'm loving it" Lee. Choose to be patronised, sickened and embarrassed all at once. Choose your national broadcaster. Choose RTE... But why would I want to do a thing like that?

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

The School of Hard Knocks

Minister for Education, Batt "Tea Leaf" O'Keefe received a predictably frosty reception at the INTO Annual Congress in Letterkenny. There can be no doubt that cuts in the education system are one of the most regrettable results of the hobbling of the Irish economy by greedy bankers, politicians and property developers. It is sickening that our children should be made to pay the price for the mistakes of these chancers. So most people have no trouble agreeing with the INTO when they point out how cuts in spending will impact on the way our children are educated.

Teachers undoubtedly play a vital role in today's society. Now, more than ever, teachers are expected to perform the job of social worker, nurse, janitor and even parent to our children. However, teachers do enjoy conditions which compensate for the demands of their position:
  • Short working days
  • Long holidays
  • Generous uncertified sick leave entitlements
  • No sanctions for poor performance
  • Generous pension entitlements

So when you hear teachers moaning about the pension levy it somewhat weakens their arguments against the cuts in educational spending. Everyone is taking pain in the current economic climate. When teachers whine about paying a levy to subsidise their lucrative pensions people close their minds to the valid arguments being made against the ongoing degradation of the country's education system. This plays right into the hands of a government who are counting on the various sections of Irish society turning on each other and distracting attention from the mess they have made of Ireland.

So come on teachers - no reasonable person would disagree with your campaign against cuts which are going to make life difficult for our kids. However, threatening strike action and whinging about the pension levy isn't going to earn any sympathy from the people who have lost jobs, taken pay cuts or seen their pension funds wiped out over the last few months. All you are being asked to do is make a contribution to a guaranteed pension. There is no such thing as a free lunch!

Saturday, April 11, 2009

After all - they're worth it!

Nice to see that the 166 members of the Kildare Street Country Club have taken it upon themselves to take a break from pretending to run the country and won't be back until 22nd April. Of course they will claim that they are still "working" 80 hour weeks back in their constituencies, helping the poor, feeding the hungry blah blah blah blah blah.......what a load of crap. If they just came straight out and said "People of Ireland - we get paid whether we're here or not so we've decided to take a fortnight off" you could at least appreciate their honesty. But, as we well know, TDs don't do honesty so instead they'll spin the whole "constituency work" lie.

Happy Easter to all our followers. We hope the Easter Bunny can still afford to bring you something nice to sink your teeth into on Easter morning!

Friday, April 10, 2009

Who is the Biggest Looser?

OK, we are all depressed that Leechie Lenihan has reduced us all to eating beans and considering late night careers in the Phoenix park. But all is not lost! I have an idea! It is guaranteed to lift the nation's spirits and increase RTE's viewer base from its current 10 individuals to millions.

How about a Dail Eireann's biggest Looser? I am referring to the popular American TV show, where a group of overweight (see I am PC, I didn't say fat) individuals weigh in every week to see who has lost the most weight. Think about it Cowen versus Harney, magic! Let's be honest we all have a problem with a Health minister who looks like she could collapse with a heart attack. Our notorious leader isn't exactly going to be running any marathons (or up any stairs) in the near future either.

Think about the opening scene, when its customary to place all the food they normally eat in front of the contestants. But in the spirit of things, we could lay out bags of cash, representing the thousands of euros billed to the tax payer for Healthy Mary's lovely appearance. We may need a bit more space though for the amount of cash wasted by Mr. Cowen and his FF swindlers. But we can improvise.

Look at the scope, it could go on for months or even years! No more doom and gloom in the papers, just interesting facts about how Mary managed to loose more than 3lbs this week! While we watch poor Brian burst into tears admitting he gave in to temptation and scoffed 10 juicy Dáil Canteen cream cakes.

Fantastic....I feel happier already.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Snot Green

Let us cast a cold eye on one of the most dangerous diseases afflicting the Irish political system. Similar to many of the most infectious plagues, this group of sleeveens manage to stay undetected until it is too late. They pretend that they speak on behalf of the planet, the environment and even the whales. Like most war criminals they claim they are simply following the orders of their senior partner as they participate in economic genocide against the Irish people. Yes, the Green Party are truly the most hypocritical shower of masquerading knight-errants that this country has ever seen.

So what do the Green Sleeveen Party stand for? They claim to symbolise a "New Deal" (another Enda de road Kenny style rip-off of an American presidential battlecry - Roosevelt must be spinning in his grave). DarkPassenger believes that, in time, the Irish people will learn that the Sleeveen Party stand for a New Lie rather than a deal of any sort.

The manner in which the little green men have managed to harness the worldwide obsession with environmental issues and used it as a means of disguising their complete lack of any proper economic or social policy is remarkable. Their track record in government speaks for itself. They have done nothing more than secure lip service for their "green" policies from their Fianna Fool paymasters in return for supporting a series of social and economic attrocities against the nation.

If you fancy a laugh have a read of The Green New Deal document - eight pages of entertainment of which the most accomplished political satirist would be proud. They promise to establish action groups, publish plans, create authorities etc. etc. etc. In other words, they will give jobs to hacks and fellow travellers on various committees and think tanks. They'll waste our money and at the end of it all come up with a bunch of "policies" that the winds of social and economic change would necessitate anyway.

As far as achievements go, well the New Deal keeps on entertaining! The sleeveens list improving energy standards for new homes and reforming planning regulations as some of their successes. Funnily enough, the construcion boom had ended by the time they "achieved" all this greatness. As if Fianna Fool would have allowed them to impinge upon the behaviour of their allies in the Galway tents before they had built up most of the country! The New Deal on transport is another farce. Where are the buses? How are the poor fools who were duped into buying gaffs in Mullingar and Naas when they work in Dublin meant to get to work? We've all seen the 24 hour bus lanes which serve a 12 hour bus service. Meanwhile the sleeveens want to introduce all manner of punitive taxes for driving a car. Well it's hard getting from Mullingar to Dublin on a bike, not that the sleeveens care - they are here to persecute the common man rather than stand up for him.

And what have the sleeveen ministers achieved? Very little. Johann von Gormless has bent over at every hands turn and made humiliating u-turns on issues like the M3/Hill of Tara and the incinerator being built in his own constituency. Yesman Ryan appears to be too busy pinching himself at the unbelievable notion that he is now drawing a ministerial salary to be bothered actually doing anything. Broadband - expensive or non-existent, Electricity - most expensive in Europe, Natural Resources - sold to multinationals. Not much of a Minister for Communications, Energy and Natural Resources.

People of Ireland, please don't be fooled by the Green Party and their faux environmental credentials. These people are like all the others who infest our house of parliament. They are there to line their own pockets. To build a nice little pile of cash for themselves at the expense of the taxpayer. They needed an angle to differentiate themselves from the other established political militias and so the "New Green Deal" was concocted. Rest assured they are just the same as Fianna Fool, Funny Gael or the Lie-bore Party. The only difference is that they turn up at the Dáil to collect their cash on a bike rather than in a Mercedes!

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Pass the Sudocrem!

That's right folks - you'll be needing plenty of it too, for today we have all been well and truly rogered by a large omnibus, driven at speed by one Brian "latchico" Lenihan!

The Salient Features Of Budget 2009 II ("attack of the clowns")
  • The taxpayer to cover approx. €90 BILLION of Irish bank's "toxic assets".
  • Income levy rates doubled to 2%, 4% and 6%
  • Income levy thresholds lowered : 2% rate at €15,000, 4% at €75,000 and 6% at €175,000
  • The taxpayer to cover approx. €90 BILLION of Irish bank's "toxic assets".
  • The ceiling for employee PRSI will rise to €75,000. It's okay though everyone - TDs earn a lot more than this so they still get a huge proportion of income PRSI free.
  • Christmas welfare bonus will not be paid this year. Darkpassenger has heard that Christmas will, in fact, be cancelled for all except politicians and bankers. It's a key pillar of the "Do as I say, not as I do" mission statement of the 30th Dáil.
  • The taxpayer to cover approx. €90 BILLION of Irish bank's "toxic assets".
  • A review of top-level public sector pay rates. Ha ha ha ha ha - that's a funny one! The latchico sees fit to commit economic rape on us now while lip service in the form of a "review" is paid to tackling the Ferdinand Marcos style reward system which exists at the top of our public sector.
  • The taxpayer to cover approx. €90 BILLION of Irish bank's "toxic assets".
  • The Commission on Taxation will decide on how to raise further money. No doubt this will involve screwing us, the hardworking people of Ireland, out of any money we may have left. DarkPassenger predicts that yet more Sudocrem will be needed at the time this commission reports to sooth the rawness in the aftermath of another attack from the latchico.
  • Have I mentioned that we will be lumped with €90 billion worth of toxic assets that the greed infested debt bordellos (also known as banks) have accumulated over the last few years?

There's a load of other details that the DarkPassenger is too angry to list here. It suffices to say that the rich will be proportionally richer after this budgetery crime. Nice one latchico - your mates in the law library, the Dáil bar and every bank boardroom in the country will raise their glasses of Pétrus 1961 in honour of a job (for the boys) well done!

An old topic still unsolved

My moral compass has been spinning lately, driven by anger and frustration. Due to many issues within Irish society rising like a Phoenix only to be flattened by the societies hunger for more bad news. One such issue which eats me to the bone is the State's funding for fee paying schools.

Its simple, why are we, the average tax payer contributing to schools were the majority can not afford to send our children? Our public schools both primary and secondary are in melt down. Classrooms are approaching 35 children and beyond in size, squeezed into some pre-fab sweat box. While many fee paying schools enjoy more room that a man in the Sahara! Seriously, is this equal opportunity?

Stop! You say, but not all public schools represent some run down TB hospital? True, but have a look around, maybe open your eyes. The MAJORITY are!!! Meanwhile our glorious government, still pumps money into FEE paying schools. Its not just Mr. Cowen and his bandits, every government too date, is guilty of this injustice.

I have contacted the Department of Education on numerous occasions in reference to this issue and I get the same two finger salute each time. By their own admission the money is given due to "prior arrangements"! B*****x! Surely arrangements are there to be changed!

If people can afford to send their children to these schools, they should be made pay for everything relating to the school, after all it is their choice to send them their. A choice not all of us have.

If we didn't have fee paying schools would it cost the government more, As these children would have to housed within the public system? This is an interesting question. If we look at the amount of money given per pupil of a FEE paying school, it is far more than what the average poor Joe Soap gets in our public system.

When I was in school we had 30+ in a classroom, but f**k that was 30 years ago, we're suppose to progressing!! Not going backwards. Wow wasn't the Celtic Tiger great!

My gripe is not the cost (OK it is in part), its about choice. Ireland still remains very divided. The average worker can not place their children in Fee paying schools, due to the cost.

So my solution? Stop giving these schools money. Use the money to create more public schools, teachers and places. Ensuring all children get the same education opportunities regardless of their parents or guardians income. Teachers are loosing their jobs. Nearly every school in some shape or form has been hit by the previous budget cuts. I know one particular school which is loosing 3 teachers! Now ask yourself, what Fee paying school has that issue!! Its time to stop the madness!

Monday, April 6, 2009

Good News, Bad News

Good News: A quarter of junior ministers are to be axed.

Bad News: There's still 166 TDs in the Dáil and 60 Senators in the Seanad living it large at the taxpayer's expense.

The average TD's "salary" (a term which I object to as it implies that they actually earn or deserve the money) is €122,000. A Senator (who is not democratically elected and serves no useful purpose) is gifted over €70,000 by the hapless Irish taxpayer every year. Add to this an exceptionally generous expenses package and ministerial pensions for previous crimes against the state and you can understand why politicians in this country haven't got the first notion what it's like to live in a recession.

So as Brian Clown, Enda de road Kenny and Eamon Gilmore Girl stand in the Dáil chamber tomorrow droning on ad nauseum about belt tightening, sacrifice and patriotism - remember that on the inside they're laughing. They are all winners in this game of politics - and we are the ball!

Fairy Tales of Ireland

So here we are! A couple of days to go until what will probably be one of the harshest budgets in history. The Government are a shambles. They clearly couldn't manage their way out of a wet paper bag let alone an economic crisis! Enter Fine Gael - surely they can be our beacon of hope in these dark times!

Yeah right! The Irish people are waiting for some words of wisdom. A bit of tough talking and a roadmap for steering us through these troubled waters. So what does Enda 'de road' Kenny decide to do - he decides to present the nation with a fairytale... I mean a "plan" that will see:
  • thousands of jobs created
  • world class healthcare
  • transformation of the educational system
  • a complete economic recovery within 3 years
  • streets paved with gold

(Okay, okay - I made the last one up but I'm sure it was on Enda de road's list at some stage.)

And all this without raising income tax. Indeed he wants to reduce VAT to 10%. Does Enda think we all came down in the last shower. His plans are based on "...best practice in the Netherlands and Canada." Well thats fantastic Enda - but this is Ireland. Our politicians' disgracefully high salaries are based on best practice in New Zealand - it doesn't make it right and it doesn't mean we can afford it. How the hell will you pay for it all Enda? Really, its like something that Pinkie and The Brain would come up with. A grand plan for political domination which seems to have been costed by a couple of lab mice.

Enda, we've had our fill of lies and rhetoric from you and your ilk. We may have voted in one shower of charlatans but I think we've learned our lesson. Everybody knows that you can't have your cake and eat it. The national pension reserve (known to Enda as the This Will Pay for Everything fund) is not a bottomless pit of cash and it sure isn't a recession busting silver bullet.

The final insult from this whole ridiculous affair (also known as the Fine Gael Ard Fheis) was the giant leap onto the Barack Obama bandwagon. Enda has been inspired by the slogan "Yes we can". Well I think Bob the Builder came up with that before Barack did. And it seems that, just like Bob, Enda de road is living in an imaginary world where everything is great and builders work for free!