Give 'em Hell!

Most people will now agree that the parasites who inhabit the houses of parliament in Kildare Street are a pretty disgusting conglomeration of germs. Like any parasite, they thrive while their unfortunate host suffers.

While the tapeworms in Kildare Street may be the most obvious infestation that Ireland is suffering from there is a bigger, more costly and even more incompetent group of parasites exploiting this nation. They are currently roaming the streets en mass, looking to dupe unsuspecting citizens into voting for them so that they may continue to leech off our dwindling resources. Yes, I am referring to that most unpleasant of parasitic infections - Parasītus Councilicus a.k.a. your local councillor.

The natural reaction to the words "local councillor" is to slam the door or walk away. Many people don't know what they do. Most don't even care. However, DarkPassenger would urge everyone to consider the following before walking away from these lice when they're canvassing your vote.

Many councillors claim to be community activists. They concoct crocks of crap such as the following as justifications for their existence:

"I was on the tidy town's committee when I realised that I needed to do more for my community. So I decided to join <insert party name here> and run for the council."

What this really translates to is:

"I was on the tidy town's committee when I realised what a handy number councillors had. I needed some easy cash and always fancied a bit of politics so I decided to join <insert party name here> to get elected. If I serve my party well, to the detriment of my local community, I may even get selected to run for the Dáil. Chaaaa-ching!"

This translation probably applies to 90% of the country's councillors. It certainly applies to 100% of councillors who are members of political parties. The majority of our TDs come through the County Council system. They learn how to leave the real decisions to unaccountable civil servants. They learn how to extract the most from expenses, how to claim credit for work they haven't done and how to follow party orders. All skills which will serve them well if they move up to the Dáil.

While councillors don't enjoy the Julius Caesar sytle conditions which prevail in Leinster house, it is worth their while to "represent" us. They receive an annual representational payment (€17,604), expenses and even redundancy payments. So when we've had enough of their uselessness and vote them out they still cash in. Read about the €10 million pot of gold waiting for deposed councillors here.

The fact of the matter is that councillors have no executive power whatsoever. The unelected, unaccountable County/City Manager is the one who makes the decisions. His staff are incompetent and unsackable (like most public servants). Work practices in the local councils are inefficient and our money is wasted hand over fist. And our beloved councillors can do nothing about this because A) they don't have the power and B) they don't want to.

So when the local clowncillor knocks at your door don't hide behind the sofa and wait for them to go away. Open the door and ask some tough questions:

• How much do you get paid for "representing" me?
• What were your total expense claims for the last 5 years? Justify this.
• How many council sittings did you attend last year (the average council sat 18 times in 2008).
• How much money do you stand to make from the €10 million "goodbye fund" if you are not re-elected. Justify this.
• Do wasteful practices such as "bank time"^* continue to be allowed amongst council employees? Do you agree with it?
• What is the point of having councils full of elected officials who have no executive power?
• If councillors are worth having why does my locality have so many problems (insert your own list of complaints here - you're bound to have loads!).
• You are a member of a political party. Do you agree with the fact that your colleagues in the Dáil should be rewarded so extravagantly for their incompetence?

Above all, give these councillors a hard time. Get annoyed with them. Make them feel uncomfortable. The vast majority of them don't give a stuff about the local community. If they represent a political party they certainly can't claim a single ounce of integrity. They will ultimately do as the party tells them, not what is good for the area. The only reason they stand before you is because they want your vote. I hope all you give them is hell!

^{* Bank Time: The 30 minutes that some public sector workers get to cash their non-existent cheque because salaries are now electronically paid into bank accounts. This practice occurs in many City/County Councils.}

Some interesting links:

• Irish local authorities are in need of radical reform
• A template for better local government
• Councillors too busy to attend meetings
• €10m golden handshake for councillors beaten in polls

Invest in Ireland Ltd. - We want to waste your money!

Welcome to Ireland Ltd. I am BC its CEO and Dictator Leader. I would like YOU to invest in us. All we ask is for a small portion of your income, starting at 50%.^* We offer a convenient direct debit scheme through your employer, ensuring you will continuously feel that you have no money.

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We offer world class health care, waiting times for operations are over 6 months, dirty hospitals, over priced drugs and overpaid consultants who don't care about you or your well being. We also guarantee that you will spend at least 90% of your stay on a comfortable hospital trolley in a hallway. Furthermore, you can top up this exciting benefit with a costly “private” insurance, enabling you and your family similar cover to what most people get at public level in other corporations.

At Ireland Ltd. we love children and we love to invest in everything else but them. Your child will enjoy overcrowded prefab classrooms with third world facilities. Due to our amazing lack of foresight and planning, your children's children will also enjoy similar conditions. Our school hours are selected to ensure your work-life balance is made as difficult as possible. In addition, we realise the importance of every child having the opportunity to go to university. That is why we are reintroducing university fees to ensure that only the wealthy families can afford to provide third level education for their children.

Worried about who will look after your investment? Fear not! We employ more staff than we need, pay them generous incomes and pensions. We also give them massive bonuses which are never linked to their performance. Our staff love spending your investment.^†

Ireland Ltd. is a leader in green innovation and public transport. We have developed a train network which averages 20km per hour, thus using less fuel. Our trains have less carriages which squash more people into a smaller space, saving even more fuel. We have recently cut the number of buses on our cities' streets to slash our carbon emissions even further. Are you worried about your carbon footprint? DO NOT WORRY – We promise we will always overcharge you for electricity and gas, forcing you not to use them, helping you freeze to death on your reduced income. This massive reduction in carbon footprint will also enable our management team to increase fuel usage in their numerous properties which you have helped them pay for.

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An Ode to Patriotic Government

There's a small country off Europe's west.
Had an economy they thought was the best.
But politicians and bankers.
And other such w@#*ers.
Stole their money and left them depressed.

Now the scumbags who govern this nation.
Cut spending and increase taxation.
They lecture and preach.
The common man they beseech.
"Make sacrifice for our fiscal salvation."

But their words are merely pretences.
They have huge salaries, pensions and expenses.
They line their own pockets.
Would steal your eyes from their sockets.
They should hang for their treasonous offences.

By DarkPassenger

Durka Durka!

Now I know that the mere sight of Enda "de road" Kenny is enough to give anyone the sick, but have a watch of this clip. Either this man is a comic genius or the biggest clown in Irish politics......EVER! DarkPassenger would appreciate your attention on this one - we have a lot to get through!



People of Ireland - meet your next Taoiseach. Jesus wept, we are doomed!

Now, it is a widely held view that Enda de road has all the charisma of a toilet brush (and a dirty one at that). We also know that his leadership skills are less than spectacular - this can be born out by the fact that only 9 of his blue-shirted subordinates have followed him into taking a voluntary pay cut. But what this piece of youtube diarrhoea shows is that Enda de road just can't do sincerity.

Enda de road believes in a "..fairer Ireland..". Well that's fantastic Enda. It's easy to preach about fairness when you're a career politician who has made a mint out of "representing" us for years.

Enda says that Funny Gael have been right about a load of stuff. They were right about, benchmarking, scrapping the national pay deal, bank recapitalisation and every other ill that has befallen us poor pixie Irish over the last year or so. Well here's news for the king of the blueshirts - the dogs on the street have been right about the same things. It doesn't make them leadership material although they may have a more engaging style than the aforementioned master of monotone.

Enda has latched on to the fact that people are worried about their jobs. Wow - what a shrewd reader of the Irish people he is. For feck sake Enda - at least try and pretend you A) care and B) mean it. As if people actually talk to that latchico about being worried about their jobs. This John McCain "joe de plumber" style "I listen to people and stuff" politics died a death during the American presidential election. But, as usual, Enda the road will copy a tired concept and fail to deliver something even 5% effective as the original.

Speaking of tired concepts, it appears that Enda de road has been receiving communication coaching from Pat the plank Kenny. That unmistakable robotic movement, the nauseating and patronising droning, the air of an overpaid Marie Antoinette 'let them eat cake' attitude. Give us a bleedin break Enda. We don't want to hear "I told you so" "we were right" "we're great". We want to hear how you're going to fix it. Oh - and we'd like the truth. Not some mentalist plan to sell off all the semi-state companies, rape the national pension reserve and create some 1984 style supercompany Ireland Inc.

The most entertaining thing about this video was that if you stuck a balaclava on Enda de road's head you would have all the ingredients of a very convincing terrorist broadcast:

• The cheapo wardrobes and bookshelves ("Idiot's Guide to Economics" and "101 Ways to win an election" amongst the titles.
  
• The hurriedly hung paramilitary flags - is that a Starry Plough I see in the background Enda?
• The desperate ramblings of a demented extremist.
  
• Demands that contact be made and that a ransom (in the form of our ideas) be paid.

Maybe this is the future for Enda de road. He could easily motivate his Adam's Family of a front bench to abandon traditional party politics and embrace a more extreme power-grabbing tactic. It is probably the best chance he has considering his distinct lack of any form of electable characteristics. Durka Durka - the battlecry of the rebranded Funny Gael.

P.S. - Funny Gael have done a nice rip-off job on the BBC website! Another shining example of original thinking in action: http://www.finegael.ie

Adventure up North

The recent rally cry from the Dail playground directed at us folk down South to be patriotic and stop shopping up North seems somewhat hypocritical when the Government and the retailers do nothing to reduce the cost of living on even the most basic goods. Especially, when our Northern neighbours are paying less for the same goods.

With this in mind, I bundled poor Rita and the kids into the car and off we rode towards the great divide. Luckily we had set out early avoiding the now monstrous republic cavalcade which occupies the M1 these days. I instructed each sibling to take a trolley, it was now their patriotic duty to give 2 fingers to the rip off and hypocritical Republic.

Now I must admit, I did feel guilty. I was lining the dear old Queen's pockets rather than contributing to the civil service toilet. But I had to overcome my guilt. As I pondered on this thought. I noticed some of the price differences from our resident retailers. Meat, be it Chicken , Turkey or Beef varying from 20%-50% cheaper. Milk 3 litres for our 2. Everywhere I looked I calculated similar differences. Darkly Dexter, went into a mad spin and soon the siblings and Rita had the trolley loaded with fine British produce.

Next, on to the section with which I am most familiar, the drink section. As I squeezed passed the now mass of Southern folk, fighting over crates of Miller and cases of Penfolds. I paused, returned and instructed Rita, we may need another trolley! If your lady (or you) likes to numb themselves on Cava/Champagne, paradise awaits. For an in-house brand of vintage Cava, a saving of 40% on our similar in house brands and quality. This ain't none of that watered down p**s Lidl think we should drink! If, like the Distinguished Dexter, you like your vino red you will be greeted with savings of 20-30% a bottle. Cases bring a further 5% saving.

As the Dexter clan rode home, squashed by the volume of food stuffs and alcohol related products. We felt content, we had completed a great adventure.

Even though, Mary Harney's beauty treatments will, unfortunately, have to be cut back and the civil servant's - bring your family on government business fund will suffer greatly, don't feel guilty. Your family will eat plenty and you'll be numb drunk for a year on less than what Brian Cowen's daily make-up costs! Vote with your feet, let the Government and retailers know, you've had enough!!

Choose RTE

For those who are unfamiliar with the fantastic book and film Trainspotting by Irvine Welsh - some prerequisites:

• Trainspotting Intro (youtube)
• Choose Life - John Hodge

Choose waste. Choose overpaid executives. Choose nepotism. Choose a f#*!king big ego, Choose €12k per year to drive your car to work, Choose outdated programming formats, crap comedy, and appalling scheduling. Choose to waste the licence fee, Choose 24, Rescue Me, Brothers and Sisters - Choose to put them on when most people are in bed. Choose embarrassment - Choose Failte Towers, Katherine Lynch's Wonder Women, Celebrity Jigs 'n' Reels. Choose humiliation, Choose broadcasting a grovelling apology after caving in to political pressure. Choose to spend the licence fee AND advertising revenue, Choose to have your cake and eat it. Choose jobs for the boys - Choose Lyric FM. Choose broadcasting cringeworthy calls on a daily basis - Choose "yeah..yeah..yeah..yeah.." Choose "Ah jaysus Joe" Choose Liveline. Choose Duncan Stewart droning on ad nauseum about unproven and expensive "energy saving" technology. Choose "bong, bong, bong, bong, bong" at 6pm every day. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing sprit-crushing game shows. Choose "Mass on Sunday". Choose the multi-lingual TV licence inspector. Choose to pay pompous old farts salaries which make even TDs envious. Choose George "I told you so and I'm loving it" Lee. Choose to be patronised, sickened and embarrassed all at once. Choose your national broadcaster. Choose RTE... But why would I want to do a thing like that?

The School of Hard Knocks

Minister for Education, Batt "Tea Leaf" O'Keefe received a predictably frosty reception at the INTO Annual Congress in Letterkenny. There can be no doubt that cuts in the education system are one of the most regrettable results of the hobbling of the Irish economy by greedy bankers, politicians and property developers. It is sickening that our children should be made to pay the price for the mistakes of these chancers. So most people have no trouble agreeing with the INTO when they point out how cuts in spending will impact on the way our children are educated.

Teachers undoubtedly play a vital role in today's society. Now, more than ever, teachers are expected to perform the job of social worker, nurse, janitor and even parent to our children. However, teachers do enjoy conditions which compensate for the demands of their position:

• Short working days
• Long holidays
• Generous uncertified sick leave entitlements
• No sanctions for poor performance
• Generous pension entitlements

So when you hear teachers moaning about the pension levy it somewhat weakens their arguments against the cuts in educational spending. Everyone is taking pain in the current economic climate. When teachers whine about paying a levy to subsidise their lucrative pensions people close their minds to the valid arguments being made against the ongoing degradation of the country's education system. This plays right into the hands of a government who are counting on the various sections of Irish society turning on each other and distracting attention from the mess they have made of Ireland.

So come on teachers - no reasonable person would disagree with your campaign against cuts which are going to make life difficult for our kids. However, threatening strike action and whinging about the pension levy isn't going to earn any sympathy from the people who have lost jobs, taken pay cuts or seen their pension funds wiped out over the last few months. All you are being asked to do is make a contribution to a guaranteed pension. There is no such thing as a free lunch!