Scan this!

I was standing in a long queue at the self-scan checkouts in Superquinn today when my rage levels finally kicked back to blog force 10.

For those unfamiliar with the self-scan checkout system - a brief introduction to the theory:

• A bank (4-6) of automated checkouts allow shoppers with a small amount of items to scan and pay for goods, thereby freeing up larger checkouts and their operators to process customers with larger quantities of shopping.


• One shop assistant is assigned to supervise the self-scan area, dispensing plastic bags and assisting the technologically challenged muppets who continually fail to understand the simple self-scan concept.


• There will always be the odd hiccup with the technology but if used correctly the self-scan should result in a speedier shopping experience for all shoppers.

So that's the theory - now for the reality:

• One in every five shoppers who turn up to the self-scan queue have trolleys full of shopping. These knobends then proceed to slowly scan, or even better let their snot nosed kids scan, their weekly shopping. Their epic scanfest is punctuated with visits to the self-scan supervisor to demand assistance because they've left their handbag, car keys or aforementioned snot nosed kid in the "bagging area".


• The self-scan supervisor ignores the repeated abuses of the system, repeatedly allowing the assclowns to scan their omnibuses full of shopping even though it makes a mockery of the whole self-scan ideology. At the end of the day they get paid anyway so why should they care.


• The poor hapless fools in the queue wait to pay for their chicken wrap and coke in a frustrated silence as their lunch hour disappears in a mist of bar codes and lasers. Everyone knows that the self-scan rules are being broken but nobody will object for fear that they'll be seen as fussy troublemakers.

In recent weeks I've been infected by the national apathy epidemic that makes us poor pixie Irish shrug our shoulders in resignation as bankers, politicians, clergy and various other "pillars" of society ride us raw. So today as I stood in a self-scan queue for nearly twenty minutes (all I wanted to buy was a yogurt and a packet of green Extra!) it suddenly dawned on me. Ireland is one big self-scan checkout!

The arseholes with the million dollar shopping trolleys are the bankers, the property developers, the clergy and the unions. They continually flout the rules and get away with it. The self-scan supervisors are the politicians - turning a blind eye to repeated abuses of the system and even aiding the deviants (but they supply bank bail outs, redress boards and NAMA instead of plastic bags and car park validation). And guess who the silent majority in the self-scan queue are? Of course, it's us, the poor pixie Irish. Day in and day out we stand by as criminals like Michael Fingleton and his ilk get away with bankrupting the country. We rely on the politicians to protect our interests but they claim they are powerless to do anything to exact punishment as it would be illegal! ILLEGAL - are they taking the piss! They have no problem putting dodgy Eurotrash referendums before us until we pass them. Why don't we amend the constitution to allow certain named bankers, developers, politicians and child abusing clergymen to be hung from the lamp posts of Kildare Street. There's a referendum you'd have no problem passing!

I've had enough of the pantomime surrounding the self-scan checkouts! Next time I'm in Superquinn I'm going to the manager to bring this farce to his attention. If that doesn't fix things I'll be kicking in a campaign of death stares and insults for any gobshite trying to scan a wagon load of groceries. Alas, we may need to adopt a stronger mode of opposition to the corrupt bankers and their accomplices in the Dáil.

Anger is a gift my friends, it's time we started using it!

The Ballad of George and Deirdre

Like rats from a sinking
Ship they did jump
George Lee and de Burca
They both got the hump

George was elected
With much blueshirt ado
While for treehugger Deirdre
Votes were too few

But one thing this pair
Of halfwits did share
Was to decide a political
Future wasn't there

So both of these clowns
From their parties resigned
Their careers in ruin
Their characters maligned

Yet rest assured Ireland
They will be replaced
By more corrupt scumbags
Who will lie, cheat and waste

But it still made me happy
It filled me with glee
That the country was rid of
de Burca and Lee

Foul Play, Wide Angle

I've just been reading a document by the Broadcasting Authority of Ireland (BAI) which found that broadcaster Newstalk was guilty of biased coverage of the Lisbon treaty debate.

Three complaints were upheld against Newstalk's "Wide Angle" program. Anyone who regularly listens to this political panel show will already know that its pugnacious presenter, Karen "Karnage" Coleman, is utterly incapable of facilitating a fair and balanced debate. In common with other Newstalk presenters such as Gargoyle Hook, Ivan The Terrible Yates and Claire Third Degree Byrne, Karnage Coleman generally insures that Newstalk continues to act as the social and political megaphone of its owner - Darth Denis O'Brien.

Whenever a big topic has to be debated on the Wide Angle the panel is loaded with toadies, hacks and spin doctors who all agree with the views of Newstalk's Dark Overlord. A token simpleton may be included to supply an opposing view - but Karnage will ensure that they are given little time to pose their side of the story. After Karnage ballyrags them with a volley of neoliberal blueshirt abuse the hapless victim won't have the time or energy to try to defend the onslaught of a panel loaded with opponents.

The BAI decisions against Newstalk are pretty damning for a show that claims to provide "...an entertaining cocktail of intelligent talk shaken up with first-class analysis..."

A summary of the BAI findings:

• "It was evident on hearing the broadcast that all the contributors in this discussion bar one were pro-Lisbon."
• "The Yes side was given prominence. The broadcast treatment of the Treaty in this broadcast was one-sided and not fair to all interests concerned"
• "The Committee was of the view that the content of the discussion amounted to a one-sided viewpoint on the Lisbon Treaty Referendum. The Yes side was given prominence."
• "The Committee was of the view the programme-makers and the presenter did not take sufficient action to mitigate the views and opinions expressed by the panel, which was overwhelmingly for a Yes vote."
• The report also highlights Karnage's failure to provide any sufficient challenge to pro-Treaty contributors.

You would think that such findings against a national news broadcaster would have been widely reported by our esteemed press corps. But oh no.... the hacks and toadies in the Irish journo fraternity don't have the balls or the integrity to criticise one of their own. They'd much rather go after the easy target and emphasise the sharp practices of a late night quiz program which appears to have cheated a hoard of imbeciles out of some money.

Surely the Irish Times, the self styled "Paper of Record", would be outraged that the key journalistic pillar of impartiality was being demolished by Newstalk. The Times devoted considerable coverage to RTE's humiliating apology to Brian Clown after they ran a story about nude portraits of him. You would expect Newstalk's disgracefully one sided Lisbon coverage to be met with equal levels of outrage by Ireland's finest correspondents. WRONG. That horror show Madam Editor of the Irish Times is of the same fascist ilk as Newstalk's Dark Overlord. She couldn't allow any criticism of Karnage or her Nazi panel show.

Irish journalism is clearly in a jocker. Irish journalists present a facade of intelligence and morality. They claim to be doing their best to report impartial news to the poor pixie Irish. However, Irish news reporting is increasingly influenced by politicians and big business. RTE is a politician fearing disgrace and the likes of Newstalk have all the journalistic credibility of FOX News. The proliferation of shows like The Wide Angle and presenters like Karnage Coleman signal the death knell of impartial and trustworthy journalism in this country.

P.S. I've just had a look at Karnage's website. There is a section on it where she whores herself out, "chairing" events and seminars. Some of the testimonials on it are truly gag inducing (yet somewhat entertaining in the light of her recently highlighted shortcomings as a journalist and presenter):

• "She has a talent for getting to the heart of the matter, asking the right questions, getting the most out of her panel..."
• "She has a rare ability to bring out many sides of a debate, while cutting directly to the underlying issues..."
• "Karen was committed to her participation of the event from the outside... to ensure a well balanced discussion was delivered on the day."

Ha ha ha ha ha ha - I wonder if she will be adding the findings of the Broadcasting Authority of Ireland to her testimonials. Unlikely, as anyone who employs her obviously has no time for fairness, respect or impartiality.

Maximum Authority, Minimum Responsibility

So it's not just the economy that's in the shitter now! After a few weeks of bad weather we seem to have experienced a total breakdown in basic public services. Our whole infrastructure seems to have been exposed for the third world shambles it is. Years of bad planning have resulted in thousands of houses being built on flood plains. Our sea and river defences are a disgrace and now we can't endure a few weeks of cold weather without running out of salt to treat the roads or having our water supplies cut.

You would have thought that our politicians would have used these unfortunate circumstances to show a bit of leadership. To take some decisions, allocate some resources and get the show back on the road. Hahahahahaha..... not a snowball's chance in hell! By the time the scumbag millionaires in Kildare Street got their arses into gear it was too late.

The likes of Johan von Gormless proved yet again that they are complete wastes of space. Check out Gormless's interview on RTE - a case study in evasiveness and incompetence. The best bit of the interview was when Miriam O'Callaghan referred to him as "The Minister for Snow" - a remark which went down like a bucket of hot sick with the king of the tree huggers! Gormless is a classic case of a dead man walking. He has proved that his sanctimonious sermonising while in opposition was just rhetoric. He has wasted his chance to provide any real leadership. Rather than sorting out our problems he favours introducing carbon taxes and spouting crap about "climate change". Would it be too much to ask for him to step back into the real world and sort out the mess this country is in before tackling such expensive myths? I wonder what he'll do after he loses his seat in the next election - I'm sure his mates will sort him out with a seat in the Seanad.

So Johan von Gormless couldn't or wouldn't sort out the problems caused by the "Big Freeze". Surely one of his experienced counterparts in Fianna Fool was ready to step up and lead us out of the yellow snow! With the country's transport network in a jocker maybe it was time for Noel "Toilet Roll" Dempsey to justify his massive salary. Alas, Toilet Roll was on holidays in Malta and couldn't have been arsed coming back to try and lead the poor Pixie Irish out of our arctic nightmare. Toilet Roll Dempsey arrogantly proclaimed "...I think I'm entitled -- I think people are entitled to a holiday." Eh no Toilet Roll, you are not entitled to work on your tan while your country freezes over. You are paid a massive salary with extravagant expenses and benefits so when something goes wrong WE OWN YOU. That's the way it works at senior levels of successful companies and that's the way it should work here. But Toilet Roll Dempsey felt that his presence wasn't required: "I can't think of one other item that could have been done if I was in the country which hasn't been done over the last four or five days." So what the hell have we been paying him for? The muppet probably only flew back here to submit his latest batch of dodgy expense claims. Well we can't expect him to pay for his own holiday!

Toilet Roll Dempsey and Johan von Gormless are the new poster boys of what politicians in this country actually represent. They take the nice important title, the huge salary, the government limousine and the unvouched expenses. However, when it comes to providing any leadership or making some brave decisions they shift the burden of competence onto some poor civil servant. At the end of the day politicians pretend to represent us. They pretend to govern us. They pretend to care about us. What they actually do is concentrate on emphasising their own importance and screwing as much money out of us as possible in return for their ineffectual "leadership". They do nothing yet control everything....maximum authority with minimum responsibility!

A Christmas Bonus

Happy Christmas and a peaceful and prosperous new year to all our readers and followers.

I'm a civil servant....get me out of here!!! - Part 3

So tonight it is hospital porter Anto's turn to face the private sector jungle in a savage trial where the following will be involved:

• Turning up on time.
• Working a full 8 hour day with the possiblilty of extra (unpaid) hours.
• Not disappearing for a smoke break every 20 minutes.
• Not being able to skive off and drive his rented taxi during working hours while his equally bone idle colleagues cover for him.

Anto has been a SIPTU shop steward for the past 20 years. During this time he has grown used to finding ways of doing feck all and getting rewarded for it. Anto pretty much symbolises Ireland's failed experiment with social partnership. He doesn't really want to work, does his best to avoid work, when he has to work he does it badly, yet he has reaped pay rise after pay rise thanks to his comrades in the unions. And god help any poor manager who tries to get some work out of him. Anto would have no hesitation in commanding his fellow Bolsheviks to down tools in retaliation for such a reasonable request.

In fact, Anto is only in the jungle as a result of threatening to mount flying pickets on the production company's premises. You see the competition was actually only meant to be for civil servants (hence the title - I'm A Civil Servant.... Get Me Out Of Here). However, Anto thought it sounded like an easy ride so used his union connections to ensure that all public servants were eligible for the competition. Little did he know what lay ahead of him.

Life in the private sector jungle has been tough on poor Anto. He is constantly irritable because he is not allowed to take his usual 20+ cigarette breaks. The lack of paid overtime means that he can't afford cigarettes anyway. The fact that his new boss supervises him closely also means that his taxi-driving nixer is no longer viable.

During his brief stay in the jungle Anto has been a trouble maker - refusing to allow the latrines be emptied because that is the job of a grade 3 shit shoveller and there is only a grade 2 on site. And we're just getting news that in the last hour Anto called an all out strike due to a clear "demarkaaaaaaaaation" issue. His plan for a show of strength has backfired spectacularly though. The producers of this show refuse to be held to ransom by Anto and his ridiculous union antics. Therefore, they have swiftly shut down production and moved the show to Thailand where contestants will do as they are told for a lot less cash. So Anto and his "comrades" are now stranded in the private sector jungle forever. So that's it for this series of I'm A Civil Servant Get Me Out Of Here. There have been no winners of this series - only losers. Anto and his fellow wasters have paid the price for a working life spent in the fantasy island of the public sector - they are now stuck up unemployment creek without a paddle. Look out Anto.....there's a waterfall ahead!

Change to scheduled programming!

We regret to inform you that tonight's scheduled episode of "I'm A Civil Servant Get Me Out Of Here" has been postponed so we can bring you a bit of a post-budget rant.

Budget 2010 was a predictable mixture of the good, the bad and the bullshit.

The Good:

• The public service has finally been taken in hand! At long last the decades of undeserved pay rises have come to an end. Not only have the public service had their pay cut but their top class pensions also look like they will be reviewed. Welcome to the real world public service - you now know what it's like for the rest of us poor fools who have been living with pay cuts, deteriorating conditions and general misery for the last few years.


• Brian Latchico Lenihan has reversed his ridiculous decision of last year and returned the standard rate of VAT to 21%. That, coupled with Britain's impending VAT increase, should make shopping up North a less attractive prospect. The decision to reduce the price of a pint by 12 cent will also help in this regard.


• A prescription charge of 50 cent per item has been introduced for medical card holders. Hopefully this may lead to medical card holders and their doctors thinking twice before allowing pharmacists to overcharge the state for trolley loads of overpriced and sometimes unneeded drugs.


• Hospital consultants will have their pay cut by 20%. We'll see how a nice financial smackdown affects their god complexes and general lack of respect for patients.

The Bad:

• Children's allowance cut by €16 a month. My main problem with this is that it will affect people who are already struggling with the high overheads associated with bringing up a family. The government were too spineless to take on the pensioners again and they certainly didn't want to piss off their mates in the horse racing or greyhound industry. So they decided to butcher the finances of the young families of Ireland instead of sharing the burden amongst all sectors of society. But the publicans of Ireland can rest easy tonight as the child benefit cuts don't apply to their reliable dole dependant customers.


• Entitlements under the Treatment Benefit Scheme have been reduced to "examination only". Essentially this means that the hard working tax payers of Ireland are no longer entitled to subsidised dental or optical treatment. No more free cleaning, subsidised fillings or eye glasses. What a great reward for paying your taxes then - another kick in the hole delivered by the Latchico.


• No increase in income tax. Despite my complete lack of sympathy for the public service there is something inherently unfair about cutting the pay of someone earning €30,000 a year by 5% and not increasing tax on an overpaid fossil like George "The Gargoyle" Hook. Surely the necessary bitter pill of a pay cut would have been easier for public servants to swallow if the whole country had to face some sort of a token tax increase.

The Bullshit:

My biggest beef with this budget is the measure introduced as a kind of political reacharound to the bunch of imbeciles that are the Green Party. These tofu eating, city dwelling, tree hugging ass clowns have participated in a financial and moral holocaust for the past couple of years in return for the introduction of this unjust tax. They have ensured that a generation of people who have been forced to live in badly built and poorly located shit holes will have to pay a substantial penalty because they don't have the luxury of the 46a and the DART on their doorsteps. Try telling the poor bastard who is forced to commute from Mullingar to Tallaght because he couldn't afford a house anywhere else that a 5 cent per litre "carbon tax" is good for the planet. Try telling him to use a non-existent public transport system to cut his carbon emissions. Not that the green sleeveens care about the average slob. They serve a class of self styled dogooder who drinks fair trade coffee, lives in a mortgage free gaff in a leafy suburb and worships Duncan Stewart as a god. May they taste our collective lightning when the next election comes around!