Scan this!

I was standing in a long queue at the self-scan checkouts in Superquinn today when my rage levels finally kicked back to blog force 10.

For those unfamiliar with the self-scan checkout system - a brief introduction to the theory:

• A bank (4-6) of automated checkouts allow shoppers with a small amount of items to scan and pay for goods, thereby freeing up larger checkouts and their operators to process customers with larger quantities of shopping.


• One shop assistant is assigned to supervise the self-scan area, dispensing plastic bags and assisting the technologically challenged muppets who continually fail to understand the simple self-scan concept.


• There will always be the odd hiccup with the technology but if used correctly the self-scan should result in a speedier shopping experience for all shoppers.

So that's the theory - now for the reality:

• One in every five shoppers who turn up to the self-scan queue have trolleys full of shopping. These knobends then proceed to slowly scan, or even better let their snot nosed kids scan, their weekly shopping. Their epic scanfest is punctuated with visits to the self-scan supervisor to demand assistance because they've left their handbag, car keys or aforementioned snot nosed kid in the "bagging area".


• The self-scan supervisor ignores the repeated abuses of the system, repeatedly allowing the assclowns to scan their omnibuses full of shopping even though it makes a mockery of the whole self-scan ideology. At the end of the day they get paid anyway so why should they care.


• The poor hapless fools in the queue wait to pay for their chicken wrap and coke in a frustrated silence as their lunch hour disappears in a mist of bar codes and lasers. Everyone knows that the self-scan rules are being broken but nobody will object for fear that they'll be seen as fussy troublemakers.

In recent weeks I've been infected by the national apathy epidemic that makes us poor pixie Irish shrug our shoulders in resignation as bankers, politicians, clergy and various other "pillars" of society ride us raw. So today as I stood in a self-scan queue for nearly twenty minutes (all I wanted to buy was a yogurt and a packet of green Extra!) it suddenly dawned on me. Ireland is one big self-scan checkout!

The arseholes with the million dollar shopping trolleys are the bankers, the property developers, the clergy and the unions. They continually flout the rules and get away with it. The self-scan supervisors are the politicians - turning a blind eye to repeated abuses of the system and even aiding the deviants (but they supply bank bail outs, redress boards and NAMA instead of plastic bags and car park validation). And guess who the silent majority in the self-scan queue are? Of course, it's us, the poor pixie Irish. Day in and day out we stand by as criminals like Michael Fingleton and his ilk get away with bankrupting the country. We rely on the politicians to protect our interests but they claim they are powerless to do anything to exact punishment as it would be illegal! ILLEGAL - are they taking the piss! They have no problem putting dodgy Eurotrash referendums before us until we pass them. Why don't we amend the constitution to allow certain named bankers, developers, politicians and child abusing clergymen to be hung from the lamp posts of Kildare Street. There's a referendum you'd have no problem passing!

I've had enough of the pantomime surrounding the self-scan checkouts! Next time I'm in Superquinn I'm going to the manager to bring this farce to his attention. If that doesn't fix things I'll be kicking in a campaign of death stares and insults for any gobshite trying to scan a wagon load of groceries. Alas, we may need to adopt a stronger mode of opposition to the corrupt bankers and their accomplices in the Dáil.

Anger is a gift my friends, it's time we started using it!